Freedom Writers

One of my professors asked us to watch a movie--not for an assignment, but to help give us perspective and open our eyes a little.  He asked us to watch the movie, "Freedom Writers."  I hadn't seen it when it first came out--kind of wanted to, but never had the motivation to pick it up off the shelf at the local movie rental store.  Well, today, I was out running errands and decided I'd go and pick it up and watch it tonight (I even had a free movie rental--how cool is that?).  

The movie, for those of you who don't know, is based on the real-life experiences of the original Freedom Writers, from some of the hardest backgrounds out there.  I don't know that I'll ever have the opportunity to teach students like those portrayed in the movie, but I have a friend who does work with those kind of students in Baltimore, Maryland, and her stories can match those of the students in this movie.

When I was a little girl, I wanted to do three things:

1. Be a mom

2. Write a children's book or a book in general

3. Become an elementary teacher

For those who know me well, there are a few more I could add to the list:

4. Be an aunt

5. Be an astronaut

6. Be a cosmetologist

Some of these dreams I've had are out of my control--I doubt that NASA is ever going to let me be an astronaut, but someday I will visit the Kennedy Space Center in Florida and maybe someday, they will have invented a way to take people to the Moon--I'll have to start saving my pennies so I can go.

I am the proud aunt of the cutest nephew and niece and a new someone that I'll get to meet this summer and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE spoiling them and playing with them, and being their aunt!

I don't know that I'll make it to cosmetology school, but I will learn how to cut hair, and that will work for me.

I don't know about being an author--but I tell stories to my students and my niece and nephew, so that can count too--I won't shove the idea away, but I might keep it safe in my pocket for awhile.

I cannot become a mom by myself, but for right now, the time isn't right and I have other things I need to be doing, and that's going to have to work too--being a mom can go to my "safe pocket" too.

There is something from my list though, that I have done.  I AM an elementary school teacher.  I absolutely love what I do.  There are times I've wanted to give up and forget about everything to do with school, but then there are those times, when I know I've done something good and I'll never leave!

Watching this movie, "Freedom Writers" makes me wish all kinds of things, but I have to say, I went into teaching with the same hope that I could change my students as the Ms. Gruwell in the movie.  I don't know her story.  I know she is a real person, who made a HUGE difference in the lives of her students, and I know she travels and speaks about her experiences, but I haven't had the chance to hear her myself, but, I can only imagine, how I would feel, sitting in the same room as her.

I went into teaching with so many great ideas!  I was going to change the world!  Make a difference to my students!  Be that person that cared about them so much, they'd want to change and learn, and love to be in school!  I didn't realize how lofty my dreams were, until I started actually teaching school.  I'm not trying to complain about the school systems and say that what they do isn't great and wonderful, and have a purpose, but for me, when they dumped all of the things that I had to do, on top of all the things I wanted to do, my dreams were buried with them.

I still want to make a difference and be that teacher that cares about her students and makes them want to change, to be better "little" people, but I can see now, I've lost my focus.  I'm not doing what I'm doing for the "right" reasons--for me any more.  And it feels so depressing.

I'm not really shooting this out into the world to get advice or sympathy or anything like that, I just needed to say that I'm not where I wanted to be, but I'm going to do something about it starting now.  I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm not going to just watch the time pass me by any more.

I'm going to change me and then, maybe I can help change my students.